There are certain moments in life when a person changes. These can be moments of extreme happiness, joy, extreme sadness, or being broken hearted. Sometimes these changes are physical, sometimes they are emotional, or sometimes they are changes to a personality. My life has had three moments when my whole word has changed. The first was when a classmate was killed in a car accident when I was 12. The second was when I married my husband two years ago. The most recent was the birth of my daughter. I have changed. That's a true statement, but that doesn't mean I'm a completely different person.
Finding out I was going to be a mom was life changing. Suddenly, I was no longer "invincible" and my mortality really came to the forefront of my life. It wasn't just going to be me anymore, I was in charge of growing another person. I had to change the way I lived my life. I was no longer able to "go out on the town" like I had before. It became harder to walk longer distances and sadly, I slacked on trying to stay in a healthy shape during my pregnancy - but I had to give up going on four mile walks every night. I had to worry about what I was consuming. I was growing another human.
Unfortunately, the changes in my life habits wasn't what I found most difficult during pregnancy. I could handle changing my diet and work out routines - what I had the most difficulty with was my relationships with others.
One thing I want to stress to those who are reading this who have never been pregnant - I was pregnant, not broken. I wasn't made of glass. My pregnancy wasn't going to be harmed because I decided I wanted to help out with something. I went from feeling like part of a team, to feeling almost worthless and ignored. When hormones are running high - this is not what you need to be feeling. If a pregnant woman says she wants to do something (because she did it in the past) let her do it. We know how our bodies are doing during the pregnancy. We know what we can and cannot handle.
Then I went on Maternity Leave and Isabella was born. I had this tiny new life that I had grown inside of me. This beautiful, helpless little girl that was part me and part John to take care of and introduce to the world. I wanted to introduce her to everyone I knew and she got to meet Meredith, Brooke, Miss Jean and her grandparents. No one else came to visit. There wasn't a card sent, there weren't flowers sent. There were no visitors. Remember feeling worthless and ignored during the pregnancy...add loneliness to that equation.
We came back to Ohio for the remainder of my maternity leave so I could get some help taking care of Isabella. Meredith was a wonderful help, but I couldn't ask her to be up all hours of the night helping me. Especially since I was still healing from the C-Section and my parents were pulling a lot of the night duty for me. We got home and again I wanted to share her with our friends. I wanted those who had been such a huge part of mine and John's life when we were in Ohio to meet her. Bryan was the only one who came. He was so awkward with her - but he came and he held her. He was the only one.
I returned to work and finished out the last month of the school year. I went to work and went home to see my daughter. I am pretty sure people were happy to have me back, but I couldn't quite tell. I was still dealing with lack of sleep and a fussy baby at home. I was welcomed back, but not in a way that made me feel valued. Part of this might be because I was unsure of who I was when I returned. I was dealing with a lot.
Throughout the pregnancy, I didn't cry much. Every once in a while I would close my bedroom door and have a small crying fit because I missed John. I really only had one crazy pregnant woman moment and Meredith can tell you about that one (I think I may have scared her a bit), but I really didn't show much overly ridiculous emotional breakdowns. I still haven't done much of that post pregnancy, but I have had the "baby blues."
I gave up my job in Florida and moved back to Ohio because Bella was having health concerns. I also wanted to be close to family. I want Isabella to know her grandparents and her aunts, uncles and cousin. I miss teaching so much. I also miss the friends I thought I had made. I really thought that as an adult, I wouldn't have to deal with losing friendships because of a move like I did when I was a kid. I know I'm not a part of every day life for my friends in Florida, or for my friends in other places but I'd like to think I haven't been forgotten about.
On top of all of this, I'm playing single parent right now. John would give his right arm to be here with me, but he can't be. I don't get much adult conversation time. If I am not subbing or working at Things Remembered, I'm with my daughter. She doesn't nap long - so I don't get much time to do anything other than play with her. I love playing with her, but sometimes I just need a break. A nice dinner out with a friend or a movie would be great. I can get my parents or John's parents to watch her to go out, all I need is someone who is willing to go with me. I might talk about Bella a bit, but mainly I'm looking for adult conversation.
I appreciate those of you who reach out to me so much. I love hearing from you, I love when you comment on my posts on Facebook, I love when you acknowledge a message or comment I've sent to you. There are times when just a smiley face makes my day better. There are days when I just want to sit down and cry, but I can't because I have this little life to take care of who depends on me. Then I get a text message from Stacey or Monique asking me about John and if we'll be together again soon or they respond to my simple "How are you feeling today?" and that text message turns into a full blown conversation. Or when Jennifer's mom posts a "hang in there" or Gary likes a status. It pushes the "baby blues" and loneliness away for a little bit.
I am not trying to write this blog to make anyone feel bad. That isn't my intention at all. I'm writing it because I think people are unsure of how to act around their friends when they have had a life changing shift (like having baby). When I became a parent, my priorities changed. I don't just go out to have a drink anymore. I can't make the spur of the moment decision to go out and have dinner with my friends. I have to plan it now. It doesn't mean that I can't go and see a movie with you, but if you call me an hour before the movie I'm going to have to say no. I can't go and see it with you at midnight, but I can go the next day.
When we become parents, our lives change. A lot of times we rely on our friendships and families to get us through some of those darker moments. Believe me, we moms don't like to talk about those darker moments. We post pictures of our babies with captions like "oh my goodness, look how big she's getting," or "little monster spit up on me again, but she's just so cute." We don't post things like "I just want to sit down and cry," or "I feel so lonely" because we feel weak when we do that. Well guess what...I just want to sit down and cry because I feel so lonely.
There, I've said it. I've changed, but I'm not a different person. Don't be afraid to ask me to hang out. I may say no because I can't find a sitter, but I'll also try to see if you could go another day. Just because I'm a mom, doesn't mean that I won't have a drink when we go out (John won't - but that's a different story), I'm just not going to get drunk. I like to be home when my daughter is ready to be in bed, so I might ask if we can go earlier in the day. Because I HAVE changed. Please don't forget that we mommies and daddies were your friends before we were parents. We cared about you, we still care about you. Please show us you care back. We get lonely, sad, and depressed.
No comments:
Post a Comment