It's the "Break Down" weekend...

*Sigh* I wrote this blog once and the post button broke and deleted it.  Here is to try number two.

Until Friday, I had been able to keep up my "I'm a strong" woman act with great success.  Due to a large number of things happening all at once on Friday and Saturday, I was not able to keep that strength this weekend.  I had the first "Break Down Weekend" since John left to go back to Ohio.  I have tried so hard to be strong during this time because I don't want John to feel like he has to come down here.  I don't need him to take care of me, I just miss getting to sit on the couch and watch a movie together - or getting to cuddle - or waking up from a nightmare and having him next to me.  It is the small things that I miss with him.

I guess I should explain why it is so difficult, considering John and I have only been married for three months, especially for those who've not known us long.  John and I have been together for six years.  There isn't much that we don't know about each other and there is almost nothing that we would keep from each other. We're a little bit crazy and a lot disfunctional, but we work.  He is one of the few people in the world who can make me smile and laugh even when I feel like the world is ending.

Spring 2010

John and I met at Wright State University when we were Freshmen (actually, I had enough credit hours and was considered a Sophomore - John was still a Frosh, though).  He has come across my profiles on Myspace (yes, I wrote Myspace) and Facebook a month or so before he decided to start speaking to me.  One day he decided to contact me and send me a message on AIM (yep, that's right, I put AIM also).  After talking via AIM for a while, we decided to meet up after our Great Books class.  It took three classes, but we both finally stayed after and met face to face.  Technically I asked him out the first time, but I only truly count when he asked me out on our first date back in May of 2005.  I knew from that moment that he was the man I was going to marry.

Fall Quarter of 2005 at Wright State - goodness we look young.

From that moment on, John and I have not been more than twenty minutes apart at any given time - with the exception of the week he was helping his brother move from California to Virginia.  From 2005-2010 we lived twenty minutes down a highway from each other.  In 2010-2011 we lived together.  On July 9, 2011 we were married and were together as husband and wife for three weeks.  We came back to Florida, packed up our belongings and I sent John back to Ohio while I took a class and then attended Jennifer's wedding in Texas on August 6th.  I left John again with my mom to get back to Florida to attend a workshop and get ready to start the school year.  Dad and John followed up with the hope that we would be moving in to a house.  We stayed at a resort with my parents for a week and then moved in to a friends apartment for a few weeks until we were able to move in to the house at the end of August.  John stayed long enough to get me safely moved in and then left for Ohio.  Since the beginning of September, John has lived in Ohio and I have lived in Florida.  We haven't seen each other since 7:40 AM on September 2nd.  We wont see each other until November 18th when I go home for Thanksgiving.

Christmas Eve 2010 - About a minute before he asked me to marry him.

I have six years of memories with my husband.  We attended college together.  We entered the professional workforce together.  We moved out of our parents homes together.  We moved to an entirely new state together.  We have A LOT of memories.  It has been such a struggle because I don't want to be the person who whines and says how much she misses her husband and that it isn't fair - because there are so many people in the world who have it harder than we do.  Unfortunately - I miss my husband and it isn't fair.

 

1000 miles is different from 3000 miles in distance.  It is not any different in circumstance.  Therefore, I do not think I should feel bad for missing my husband or my family.  When John and I discussed this, it was only supposed to be a month.  That plan has changed as we've come to realize there is no way for us to survive if he moves back - it is too difficult for John to find a job here in Florida right now.  This was a choice we made, but not something we knew was going to happen to us.

Therefore, I am having my first "Break Down Weekend" because I miss him.  This was not where our lives were supposed to be right now - but we're adults and we'll survive.  Sometimes, though, I just need to feel a little sorry for myself instead of feeling bad for feeling sorry for myself.

I know this blog wasn't a normal blog for me...but there are just times when a person needs to get their feelings out.