According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, depression is defined as a state of feeling sad. Therefore, it appears that the word depression is not what applies to current state my mind is in. The feeling is quite hard to describe. It feels difficult to breathe sometimes - as if something is sitting on my chest, but it is not that I am out of breath. Perhaps it is pent up anger or frustration mingled with just a pinch of sadness. There is most definitely something going on here.
Thanksgiving was nice, Christmas went well and the New Year has brought with it new hopes - but it has also brought restlessness along for the ride as well. The headaches have returned which means that stress is mingling around the party too. Perhaps it is time for some soul searching and certainly time to stop pretending that everything is okay. I have always thought that I would make a good actress - I know I would be able to play the role of a woman trying to keep her problems bottled up so that no one knows anything is truly wrong - I would play that part magnificently.
Some of you reading this are probably thinking that you've read me complain on Facebook or note that I have been upset - but a look in to my actual mind would show you a maelstrom of emotions. I guess since I'm hinting at things it is time to come clean. Inside said maelstrom you will find anger, sadness, frustration, stress, bitterness, a break in my heart, joy, rejection, acceptance, courage, fear, astonishment, humbleness, worry and the list can go on and on. Unfortunately, it is the negative feelings that are finding their way to the eye of the storm where it should be calm.
It has been difficult lately to express the feelings above...mainly because my life could be so much worse. The reason there is a constant storm raging inside of me is because I know that I should be happy and content with life. If I were an outsider looking in, I would probably say that I'm a pretty lucky girl. I just can't stop thinking that I've fallen off the path somewhere. I'm not quite sure where the misstep happened - but it happened and I never found my way back, like I took the wrong fork at some point.
Please don't go thinking that I'm upset with the way my life has turned out - that is not where this blog is going. My life has turned out pretty great - I have a husband who loves me, a job that pays well, a roof over my head and a car to get me from point A to point B. I'm just saying that it feels like something is missing and every small bump in the road makes that empty spot expand.
I guess that would mean I feel as though I have two gaping holes in my chest. One is from a feeling a loss as a person that has always been a huge part of my life slowly drifts away and the other is a feeling of emptiness like there is something I have failed to achieve. Maybe this is that point - another fork where a decision needs to be made. Perhaps it is time to start watching for the "signs" of changes to come. Perhaps it is time to stop worrying about how others feel and start working on getting myself to stop feeling so much. Empathy can be a dangerous thing.
Reading back through the writing, I know none of it is going to happen. A person has to be willing to accept the changes that need to be made and I am too damn nice to make those changes. It is a character flaw. John said once that his goal would be to make me mean - I just don't have that in me. I am so worried about hurting other people's feelings that I don't say anything because I don't want to be the bad guy.
I should just start wearing a sign that says "Trample Here" - say anything you want to me and make me feel horrible and I'll just take it because I don't want to throw it back in your face...this doesn't make me the bigger person it makes me the door mat. So tired of being a door mat. Just once I want to tell a person to their face how I really feel about they way they are acting - like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail. Just lay all the cards out on the table and show someone how they really make me feel. It'll never happen, but it feels nice to think about.
This blog has gone in a very weird direction...but you know what - I don't care. If I upset you or hurt your feelings - deal with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment