As people post every day what they are thankful for in life, I have chosen to be thankful for the fact that I can look in upon myself and find the things that are in need of a change. Not many people in the world are able to see, let alone admit to, their personal faults. This ability comes with the ability to be humble and the willingness to become a better person - there is room for improvement in everyone.
Over the course of the last month, it appears there has been another massive...shift is a good word...in the person that I've become since my marriage to Johnathan. That is the exact mark where I started seeing myself change - an no, not all of the changes have been bad. There are some changes that are wonderful and I'm so glad that they've occurred, but there are still others that I just do not like. Therefore, instead of talking about how "wonderful" I am, I'm going to talk about the things that are wrong about me.
I am a very passionate person - I'm passionate in what I believe in, I'm passionate about my job and I am overly passionate about the people I love. Passion is something wonderful, but it has its dark side - that being sometimes that passion can become one sided and can possibly close off the other argument. One thing I have always prided myself on is being able to see all sides of the argument, recently I have developed a one-sidedness to my arguments. I am extremely blinded by the pure emotion I feel toward something that I can not see how the other side's argument fits along what what I think is right. Some people might think there is nothing wrong with this - perhaps you are thinking "who cares what other people think, you're entitled to your opinion." Well, yes, this is true. We are each entitled to our own opinion, but that doesn't mean that they are not entitled to their's...so basically if you expect them to see your side then you need to see their side. If you agree to disagree, so be it...but you have to listen to their side of the argument first. Sometimes passion gets in the way of that.
Opinionated! Oh my goodness, I never would have used this word to describe myself in the past. Holy cow. What happened to the soft spoken girl who had difficulty speaking her mind - she can reappear anytime now. Not saying that there is a large amount of this going on, but there is a lot more than there used to be. Part of me, even as I sit here typing this now, wants to defend myself and say there is nothing wrong with it. I should be able to defend things and not feel bad about it later and there are things that I am really angry about that I wish I could just exploded about right now; but this is self reflection time, not angry rant time. My sister is experiencing the same issue at this moment and my brother put it very well...we have a problem in our family about letting things go. We've been a very angry and opinionated group lately.
I asked my friends down here once what my biggest character flaw is - they told me I didn't have one (bunch of liars). I told them that I feel like I talk about myself too much and they laughed at me. Even writing this I want to count the number of times that "I", "me" or "my" appears. This is an ingrained trait, something everyone does. You want people to know who you are, or you want to relate to them, so you share stories that go along with what they are talking about. Kinda wish I could get back to the listener I used to be - I will be a bit big headed here and say that this trait is starting to get better. Instead of sharing something, I ask them elaborating questions instead.
Like stated before, there are changes that are great! It really is a wonderful feeling not letting people walk all over me anymore - that I stand my ground. But also, there is always room for improvement - so now begins the new struggle. Finding the balance between allowing myself to grow and not growing in the wrong direction. Oh, self-reflection how I love and hate you. :)
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